Truth, Honesty, and Empathy

Several days have passed since the shootings in Newtown, Connecticut.  Many more tragedies have befallen the world's people in that time.  All the timeless terrors of human life - war, hunger, illness, poverty, homelessness, addiction, natural disasters, accidents, to name but a few - have visited and left devastation in their wake.  Life is struggle.  Life is suffering.  Without struggle and suffering, we would not know triumph and joy.  This does not make struggle and suffering any easier to bear.

But all humans struggle and suffer in some capacity, including children.  They are not of some other existence.  This sort of "innocence" is an adult fantasy.  Experience begins with the first breath, a struggle to leave the amniotic world and enter an entirely different environment.  Children are not unaware of the world and the struggle to survive.  They just have less experience.

After reading numerous posts and articles regarding "what to tell the children" I have come to realize I am of a somewhat minority opinion on this topic.  I believe attempting to hide the world is tantamount to lying to your child.  If you believe attachment comes from a place of trust, lying is not permissible. 

Kids live in the same world adults do, but they need some assistance with navigation.  And when navigating terrain as complex as human society, it's so much better to be aware of obstacles than oblivious. 

The problems of our human culture are enormous.  Ossified institutions, technocratic leadership, alienating technology, and the greed, war, poverty, and illness they encourage are not things easily hidden.  The triumphs of human culture are also enormous.  Good things exist and happen, too.  They are also not easily hidden.  Reality is messy, but humans cannot escape it, including the young.  

I believe children are learning to navigate reality, and this is a journey they will continue throughout their lives.  Reality doesn't always seem friendly or safe, but it is what it is.  Humans do not have omnipotence, but we do have consciousness.  It is our moral obligation to develop this consciousness by inculcating empathy in our children and ourselves.  They cannot practice empathy if they are unaware of human suffering.  If they do not practice empathy from their earliest memory, it will not gain the traction it needs to root itself in their very core. 

To understand that life is fragile, and that bad things happen to good people, is not inherently frightening if this view is developed with the love and support of family and friends.  One of the memes that has circulated heavily this weekend is Mr Rogers remembering his mother telling him to "look for the helpers" when he was frightened by news of terrible events.  This is precisely what I mean.  If from an early age, humans learn that their experiences are not happening in a vacuum, that others like themselves have faced what they face, and they can turn to others, the helpers, when in need, there would be so much less fear, loneliness, depression, desperation, and anger, and problems would not escalate so quickly and violently. 

We must raise our children to be part of something bigger than themselves, expressing their individual gifts as a contributor, a helper, a builder, instead of as atomized individuals, alone, in constant competition for material success and favor.  They must understand the relativity of their position, that we are all equal in rights but not in social privilege or natural gifts, and thus we must always consider the least of us in our ideas and actions. 

Another important point must be made in light of the current tragedy instigating discussion:   We must not demonize mental illness.  By calling people "evil" we fail to address the human-created system that bred and/or failed to help them.   We cannot presume anyone, including our own children, won't ever suffer from a mental illness or significant form of stress.  If they see such illness or stress as a stigma, they too may be reluctant to get the help they need, and the system of ensured failure perpetuates itself.   

Life is about choices, though we don't often get all the options we'd like to have.  We must show our children there are always other humans to turn to for help, and children will do so if they have been raised to see others as compatriots, not competitors. We must look at all our institutions and notice how they work against cooperation, and give privilege to extreme competition, to the point where we lose our humanity and begin to take out competitors through violence.  

This is the 15th mass shooting in the US this year.  Parents who think their children know nothing of this type of occurrence appear delusional, and are likely to have diminished credibility as their children grow older.  We adults need to stop appearing delusional or our children will never trust us to help them.

As someone who favors Buddhist and existential philosophy, and having dealt with human and companion animal deaths, chronic illness, and aging friends and family, I have always emphasized to my daughter our mortality and the fleeting nature of life.  Maybe this is what makes my minority perspective feel natural.  Maybe it's because I have had these conversations with my daughter for as long as bad things have been happening, which is since, well, always.  Kids are human.  They have the same types of feelings adults have, they just have less experience to filter them through, so their expressions are different. 


All this said, I don't think you have to inundate a child with tragedy, just acknowledge it.  Talk honestly about your own feelings.  Use reason and logic to remind them that, mostly, we muddle along safely.  If we get sick, we mostly get better.  If we get hurt, we mostly heal.  But sometimes we don't.  Don't promise something you know to be false.  Just note that in all these circumstances, there are always helpers, people who are caring, helpful, and kind.

Remind them of all the history your ancestral family has experienced, yet here we are.   This is how to develop reverence.  Go outside, look at the beauty of the natural world, and then say thanks to all who have come before you and endured, so you, too, are privileged to see a mountain, the starry sky, a sunset, or a flower.  Be thankful for every day, starting with the first breath.  It's never too early to be grateful.  It's never too early to learn to be kind, for we know not what battles each person faces.  Help exists because there is always need.  We extend our hand, and in turn, someone extends a hand to us.  

Even the tiniest of children go through "helping" stages.  Encourage them to look for ways to help, and they can't avoid noticing need.  Needs that go unnoticed cause tragedy.  We must all notice and help more, and we can't do this if we are busy hiding things.